I took a caravan family holiday – here’s my brutally honest review

Holidays are meant to be carefree, but kids define that word differently. They couldn’t care less… about you, their surroundings, propriety, society, and anything else. They live in the moment and use their nascent physical and verbal abilities to maximum impact. So, us parents are forever trying to control them or apologise for them. Usually both.

All up, our fine flotilla of mobile homeliness totalled $208,275, which may seem like a lot but is peanuts compared to holiday-house prices. And the best bit is: this particular holiday house is not rooted in one location. It can be in the Victorian High Country, the Great Australian Bight, the Simpson Desert, the Daintree, Uluru, Margaret River and anywhere in between.

Port Fairy is in the Moyne Shire, which plays host to almost 40,000 caravan holidays every year, bringing around $140 million into the local economy. This beautifully preserved township at the mouth of the Moyne River traces its European roots back to the 1820s, and is now home to 3100 residents, although that number swells dramatically in summer and school holidays.

No more trying to find ways to entertain the kids during the day, because they’ll be off playing with Sam, Sally, Steve and Steph or whoever else they met the day before and now are BFFs. And the best part is that Sam, Sally, Steve and Steph’s parents are basically babysitting for you, at the princely sum of $0 per day. (But remember, your turn will come.)

No more worrying about noisy kids throwing food across the restaurant and into the eyes of surly, huffing DINKS, because firstly, the caravan (or the awning) is your restaurant, and secondly the only other diners are friends and family. No more paying exorbitant restaurant prices for beer and wine, either, or wondering how much to tip the disinterested waiter.

There’s a saying: it takes a village to raise a child. Caravan parks provide that village, temporarily at least. Your kids are not the only kids, and you’re not the only parents looking out for the kids. To any parent, the chance to dial down the hyper-vigilant threat radar to a less-draining semi-vigilant state – which, when combined with all the other semi-vigilant parents, has greater coverage and a more rapid response – is better than a celebrity chef’s overblown 12-course degustation with matching wines.

Whichever you choose, all you then need to decide is what view you want to wake up to: mountains, rivers, beaches, plains, snow… With great freedom comes great responsibility, but don’t agonise over your choice, because if you don’t like it you can always move to another one!